Sometimes, I am accused of speaking in absolute terms that I cannot expect either myself or others to live up to.
I have standards. Those standards apply whether I love someone or not. Those standards are flexible, but they never break. It has to be that way or all achievement, all pride would be a farce. In a recent mailing list discussion the topic of “effort vs. results” came up. The question basically was, how important is it that a submissive achieve a goal set for her as long as she is trying her best?
Some of my quotes were:
| “If she is failing to do what I require then even if she is working like a dog I will eventually replace her.” |
| “Of course I have. Obviously I felt she could accomplish it or I would not have put her in the position to try – but if it turns out that through no fault of her own she is incapable I would still replace her.” |
| “No. I can’t. Because I simply don’t see why they would reflect on my feelings at all – feelings aren’t an issue in this.” |
Pretty harsh stuff.
Why do I mention this? Because in my own way I have a dominant. In the boundaries of the dojo I train at my Sensei’s will supersedes my own. It must be that way for me. If I am going to step on that floor and dedicate 8 years (and counting) to this man he damn well better be someone who can inspire my respect and my confidence. In his domain he also must inspire my obedience because there is no time to second guess. This is life or death, this is rewriting my reflexes and shaping the way I look at the world and those in it who may be threats. I have rearranged my life, my career and my schedule to be available for his teaching. I am not ashamed of this.
Sound familiar yet to those who have hear me discuss the dominant/submissive relationship?
Further, I know he likes me. I know he is proud of my skills. He is well aware of how hard I work for the school. In all the time I have been there I have never spoken back to him that I can recall – and I have managed to control my tone 99% of the time – even when I disagree or feel things are perhaps unfair the most I will reply is almost always a simple “hai Sensei”. Yes, Sensei. I am a good student and a I am becoming a good teacher. Hopefully, I am a friend.
None of that will change a damn thing.
I got the date for my black belt test. April 28, 2001. That’s 17 days from now. At 10:00 a.m. the test will start, it will probably run about four hours and over that time I will fight more than 35 people several times each in several different arts. One other person is also testing during that time. My only rest will be when he is fighting. I fully expect this to be a real bitch.
I have to tell you, I am terrified. I want this, I really want this and I don’t want to fail. I obviously have faith in my Sensei, and I must assume that if I wasn’t ready for this it wouldn’t be happening. If he says it’s time, then it’s time. I will simply work out as much as I can and still be ready and try my best to live up to the trust he is placing in me.
Failure is an option here. I guess it would be nice in a way if all that mattered here was that I try my best but that simply isn’t the case. I know he wants me to pass. I know he has prepared me as best he knows how – but I can still mess this up. If I do, then he will have no choice but to fail me and that will be that for a year.
In other words – in order for this to mean anything it has to be real, not simply a formality bestowed upon me because I try hard. If I can perform, I get it. If I cannot, I fail. It is scary as hell, and it is exciting. No matter what it will mean something.
Sound familiar now?