IASK: Legacy

a long time ago – and some stuff of late

โ€”

by

senseiken
in

a long time ago – and some stuff of late

Taught at the dojo tonight but I didn’t work out during my own class… my left shoulder is still really messed up and I want to let it rest. The class was good otherwise. Kimiko did a good job – the practice has been paying off. Her aggression was great and her confidence is much better.

None of this is in the way of a complaint or a pity fest by the way. 

I am thrilled with the people in my life. I am a lucky man and I know that. This is thinking out loud – what this blog is for. I promise by the morning I will be annoyed at myself for writing this all down.

The thing is – I don’t communicate much. Things like this are transient to me… so I don’t mention any of it. Of course, then no one who cares about me ever knows and never helps. This is not the last word in what I think. 

Why in a blog? Hell if I know. I just know I find it easier to send it out on the web rather than any other way. Maybe I like pretending people find this stuff deep or interesting. :}

A few things happened in the last few days. I mentioned the demonstration I was at last night … the one with my friend the sadist at the helm. As I watched her I realized a few things:

  • I am not sadistic the way the others around me are
  • That is not inherently bad

Something else though – I don’t play much. Generally speaking my desires stay inside my own head. I have lots and lots of them … and there are a number of factors that keep them inside. Not the least of which is the simple reality as I see it….

The people who might be the focus of those desires simply do not want to be on the receiving end of them.

I don’t really blame them. The cattle prod is a good example. I can’t imagine anyone really wanting to see what that is like – though I am sure that ‘out there’ there is someone. That’s not really the point though. It is simply so that if I don’t keep this stuff locked down – even those who are close to me get nervous.

It is very easy to simply lock it down… I have a lot of work to do anyway. The problem is locking  just those things down… the outrageous ones. The  idea is to leave the more fluffy pleasures available so that I can get reconnected with my partners and my play.

Sounds kind of silly actually… a sort of dominants impotence.

Usually it goes like this… someone wistfully discusses how much they would like to scene, some playful comment or loving poke in the ribs in my direction. I retort that they don’t want to be there when I decide to play… they say either “try me” or “you’re right”. That about covers it.

The fact is, I am right. They don’t want to.

Care to take a guess about how easy it is to filter your energy in a scene when you know that the people you are potentially going to scene with might be horrified or miserable? I have no desire for that kind of sadism in my life. That is what I would think of as abuse.

Hell skip scenes. Let’s take some of what I currently find incredibly desirable to try sexually. Here’s a hint for you – my potential sexual partner pool currently cannot stand to watch some of what I think is hot right now – let alone have a desire to participate in it enthusiastically.

Here’s an extra insight… I am pretty vulnerable. A real teddy bear of a guy – I promise. it’s all kittens and puppies in here ๐Ÿ™‚ Rejection is not my best thing.

The thing is – I like being worshipped and adored. I like being called “Sir” and “My Lord”. I like it when it isn’t just a word that’s hot. It should mean something – it should be real. It should be true. I like “Daddy” too – but Daddy is a really informal term… that’s about love mostly. Sure, daddy can be respect and worship too but it doesn’t always seem to be.

See the catch 22 now? I’ll spell it out.

  • I am filled with the desire to play and act and scene usually when someone is simply thrilled to be there for me. The feeling of availability – of willingness is what I get off on most. That is my main trigger.
  • Those who want to play with me are either terrified or repulsed by what they feel is inside me. They want me to come play but that fear or disgust keeps it from being worshipful or completely willing.
  • As a result, I don’t play much. This builds confusion, resentment, fear, anxiety. I think the anxiety is the worst.

The answer seems to be an easy one of course… I need to figure out how to recapture that willingness and trust. That lack of fear. Maybe then they will be able to look ahead and understand what makes me tick… or find the a way to embrace it.

A way to embrace me. 

I am not alone in this – those around me are absolutely willing to try and help me find a way out of the problem… the thing is, I don’t really know that the problem is internal. Up until recently I figured there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t loosen up about scenes, or about sex. But I wonder if it is a flaw to not want to open up about things you know in advance will disturb or repulse the participants?

I do know that right now I feel like it is my problem… something I am supposed to ‘fix’ in myself. That it is my job to keep my fucked up desires from being an issue with those around me. To protect them, shelter them, and still make sure they get what they want. 

I realize that this pressure is mostly internal. But it isn’t all internal.

I am not sure that I want to cut out these parts of myself so that I can shelter those around me. I am not sure I want to spend my life being careful what I say, think, desire and feel… because after all this time in my life I still feel like it is my job to make sure I don’t let women know what I am really like.

Maybe I should figure out a way to be accepted for what I want .. instead of feeling like shit for it.

Anyway, I have a plan. I am going to write more. Lot’s more. I have essays and so on to write for The Estate… I have been seriously remiss. I have gained a lot of insight as a trainer in the last year or two and I am going to codify it all. I am going to stop not speaking out loud because I am afraid of that look in the eyes around me. 

I never cared what 300 eyes at a BDSM seminar thought of me. It was always the smaller set of eyes in my car on the way home I cared about.

Maybe I am just projecting. I have never be surrounded by more supportive people than I am right now. Maybe I am just quiet because I am not sure if I live up to my own press?

Well, guess what. I certainly can. 

Oh yeah, the titkle of this post mentions the past. I was going through some old email (long story) and there is a letter from 5/1988. A letter so powerful that it still catches my breath in my throat to read it. 

A letter that brings slamming home all of my hopes for how my life could be – and all of my fears for what I might never have again – and all of my self doubt about every decision I ever made. 6 lines, 2 honorifics and a sign off that still makes me draw breath sometimes when I hear it.

Anyway, it hit me like a brick to read it again in both good ways and bad ways. It is part of a current gestalt I seem to be going through.

A suggested media list for the next few months of my life… if you want to follow along with what I will be thinking and writing for the next while – stop sleeping at night and cram this stuff in your head.

If you need to catch up really fast go Drakon, The Real Story then Armor and then The Trainer. The rest can come in any order.

Ok… goodnight ๐Ÿ™‚

“It’s Been Awhile” – StainD

It’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
Since I first saw you
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
Since I could call you
But everything I can’t
remember as fucked up as it
all may seem the consequences
that I’ve rendered I’ve stretched
myself beyond my means

It’s been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn’t addicted
Since I could say I love myself as well
Since I’ve gone and fucked things
up just like I always do
But all that shit seems to
disappear when I’m with you
But everything I can’t remember
as fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered,
I’ve gone and fucked things up again.
Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day

It’s been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
Since I said I’m sorry
Since I’ve seen the way
the candle lights your face
But I can still remember
just the way you taste
But everything I can’t remember as
fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it’s me I cannot blame this on my
father he did the best he could for me

It’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
and it’s been awhile since I said
I’m sorry

“Outside” – StainD

And you bring me to my knees, yeah
All this time that i could beg you please, yeah
All the times that i felt insecure, yeah
And i leave my burdens at the door

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause Inside youre ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time that I felt like this wont end
Was for you
And i taste what I could never have
It’s from you
All those times that I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And i waste more time than anyone

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I cried
All this wastin
It’s all inside
And i feel all this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone
I cant help what I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Inside you’re ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you