ready, set, go – this is gonna be interesting
EGO WARNING
Everyone is out but me. I am at Tatsumi’s
place and I have something like three uninterrupted hours. Then I have all day
tomorrow. If I need it, I have all of Monday.
Let’s turn this boat around shall we?
A lot of interesting factors bring me to this point – not the least of which
is the realization that I stopped living life the way I wanted to
a while ago – and I started measuring my life by how little I seemed to disturb
those around me. I wanted to make sure that no one had to make any hard choices
at my hand – because I had no idea how those choices might go.
In a sense, this has drawn those I need closer to me. In another and equally
real sense it has pushed them away.
I am not a big demander. I don’t make demands in fact, even of those I have
every right to make demands of. I do make requests. Silent, earnest
requests that it seems are all the more powerful because I don’t honestly really
expect anyone to step up and say ‘yes’ to them.
The problem is, why are they saying yes?
It turns out that I am not currently very inspiring. For a
while, I thought this lack of inspiration value was my complete and utter lack
of money. Nope, it isn’t money. I have never had lots of money, and I was pretty
inspiring.
My talent, my skill, my convictions, my honor, my drive and my vision. These
are the things that are inspiring from me.
It turns out that I don’t think anyone around me is inspired by what I am.
I think they are inspired as hell by what I can be.
The problem is, that what I am is not currently enough. This leaves those
around me who have cast their lot in with me confused and angry. They aren’t
sure what to do, what to be, or how to become it. No wonder they feel adrift and
lost, like maybe it is all a very bad idea.
No, I am not going to solve this with money. The solution will create money,
bring wealth to me as it has in the past. My flock has been leaderless for too
long, they are waiting for a sign I think and the longer they wait the further
away they drift.
I am not going to solve this through help at this moment in time. For
practical and psychological reasons most of those around me have been forced to
turn their primary concerns inward – too busy keeping a roof over their own
heads to aspire to the visions I toss around so wildly.
Of course they would help and they do help, every
day my team keeps giving me what they can spare and more to keep the
dreams alive. But there is simply too much, their incredible efforts are keeping
us alive and away from the cliff – but we aren’t pulling out of the spin. And
they are doing it at a heavy personal price.
My thanks to each and every one of them.
If I want to turn this around it will have to come from me, I
will have to cut down the first trees and trample the first bit of the path. I
will need to provide the direction and take some of the risks. I will need to do
this not only because no one else has the time…
I will need to do this because it is the only way to restore the faith –
theirs and mine.
What can I be? baby watch this space and find out –
because this is going to be interesting.