enumerating sheep…

Ed. Note: This is a long entry, please remember to follow the [more] link

to read it all.

*sigh* My brain won’t turn off. It’s killing me.

I have a lot on my mind obviously, projects to deal with, so much I am trying

to learn and I don’t mind mentioning that I am stressed a bit on top of it all.

I sleep somewhere between 3 and 9 hours a day of late, 3-5 for a number of days

in a row, then more when I can’t sustain it.

At night, any time after about 23:00 hours there is this clock on my head, it

is an estimate of how much sleep I’ll get – my obligations for the next day and

when that means I have to wake up. Tonight, today it’s around 12:00 or 12:30pm.

That’s when I need to be awake.

Right now, I have 5 and a half hours to sleep. It had been 6, then 7, then 8.

At each ticking hour I would say to myself "this is good, I’ll finish up and get

some sleep… get up early and get a start on the day". And each time something

will come up, one of the thousands of things I have to do… server maintenance,

script work, gathering news for [[Hyper-3D]] or keeping up with my personal

stuff. It takes me about 2 hours a day to stay current in my field, learning new

software and techniques as well as absorbing industry news.

The [[gestalt]] in my head demands regular feedings.

Anyway, here is the problem. On nights like tonight when I have to get up the

next day because I can see someone I care about. Tomorrow is a chance for

Kimiko and I to go see Tatsumi and spend some time with her. I really am

looking forward to it, and I’ll be tired but it will be worth it. The thing is,

there is a small chance my body will decide I won’t get up till 1:00… and I

will have lost an hour with her. I know as well that the people who care for me

don’t like it when I skip sleep, and they feel bad if I skip it to be with them.

I guess my point  and my message tonight is this:

There is no correlation between when I went to sleep and how much I love

you or want to be with you.

I know it might seem that way, but please don’t think it’s true. We all want

me to succeed, to achieve and to get us out of this mess that I freely admit I

got us into. The price I pay for being able to call upon my body to stay

functional for long periods of time is that sometimes it will take over and

not sleep when I want it to or demand to sleep when I

want to be awake.

I don’t want to have to feel bad about that… I am not choosing between you

– any of you – and learning new software, [[/.]] or whatever else. I just have

to do some of these things while I am awake… because we all need me to do it,

to move forward and to bring this beast of a life under control.

Trust me, I hate the stolen hours and missed chances to be together… and I

am trying to get us up where we need to be so that all this stress and worry can

end.

So don’t worry about me and sleep… and please don’t be mad.

Thanks 🙂

p.s. 5 hours, 10 minutes to sleep.