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| make contact |
It’s way past time for me to go to sleep – but I am only now getting tired. I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment obviously but I realized that I was looking to do something before sleep – and that often means I have something to write. So I did some other stuff and here it is – the post 🙂
Years ago (before Kimiko) it might be as many as nine now I was involved with a woman who I met online in a chat room. She was older than me, older than I usually like but it wasn’t ever going to be anything serious – we both new that. We became friends and in a way we became whatever the online version of a booty call is. We still keep in touch… though not in “that” way, just an IM now and then. I think the internet means you will always be able to maintain some contact with people you would have lost in other times.
She wasn’t submissive, and in fact now is a fairly well known female dominant force in the community but at the time she was just exploring [[wp:BDSM]] and submission and I think I was the guy she picked to experiment with for some things. We would spend nights talking about the scene and our lives, but inevitably it turned to sex, telling each other stories for a while but in the end I usually wound up discussing some sadistic fantasy or other – telling her what I would do to her or someone else and how it would be until she, then I, came.
We were close – closer I think than the circumstances would have made it useful to discuss. Not in love… but that’s OK, we didn’t need to be… it wasn’t the point. The thing is, we never really talked about how close we were, or the fact that it was a time when I think we were both very lonely in our lives. We were both making changes, exploring options and sizing up what would come next for ourselves. So we were close, and we never really discussed that fact – though we did discuss everything else about the changes we were going through..
The thing that sticks in my mind now is not all that, but the way she would end each conversation… it was something I didn’t understand until then. We had this encounter or whatever you want to call it or maybe we had just talked for a while; and at the end of the conversation she would always say “Say something sweet to me” – I would and we would say goodbye. The “sweet thing” wasn’t “I love you” or any of the classic romantic things, it was just something nice – something that acknowledged she was special to me, that we were close, that this wasn’t just a convenient alternative to watching porn.
I was always somewhat amused by this – I figured she knew we were close because we talked about intimate things and because I went out of my way to be in touch. I chalked the way she ended the conversation to a “chick thing” I didn’t understand and was maybe a little condescending about it. I don’t know.
What I know now is why she did it. It didn’t matter how much pain I had fantasized about inflicting on her… and it didn’t matter that we never really discussed our friendship or what we may or may not have meant to each other. She didn’t need all that, and she wasn’t looking for someone to support her emotionally – she had those if she needed it and was pretty independent. What she was looking for was something much simpler; she just wanted to know she was special to me in some way.
She didn’t need constant re-assurance or stroking… every now and then she just needed that touch, that lowering of our distance enough to be able to revel in the simplicity of a plain statement. You matter. I care. Sometimes she was bold with her demand, other times she seemed shy – on rare occasions she skipped it altogether, but usually it was there – bold and just a little vulnerable. She wanted to touch mental hands a little, get a hug from the void when she was alone in a room at night.
I don’t mind that I made her ask (as often I did) – I’m a prick that way and it was a game we enjoyed. I am kind of sorry that I maybe didn’t understand that it was important to her… or at least I think it was. It’s pretty simple now when I look back on it.
“Say something sweet to me.” – I get it.