In a separate thread, someone made a comment that basically those of us who don’t use safewords are trying to be edgy and thus “hot” but that essentially we are all the same and in agreement. I can’t reproduce the quote exactly since the words of others in private forums are not for me to publish but here was my response.
“Personally I find this comment insulting every time it is thrown out. I have heard it before from you and a number of other folks, on occasion while on panels discussing / debating these very topics with you. I like you, and I know you aren’t trying to be dismissive so I usually tolerate it better from you than others… but it is dismissive and insulting.
This has nothing to do (for at least myself and those dominants close to me) with “I’m hot, look how on the edge I am” but more a clear and specific issue of clarity that has very clear real world implications.
When a submissive comes to me and asks if the would have the use of a safeword I say “no”. That isn’t so I will be “hot and edgy” but rather because it is a critical bit of information for them to have. It would be stupid, dishonest and unfair for me to let them enter that situation under the illusion that if they say “stop” I in any way feel obligated to stop.
This core issue – which one of us is the one with the power to stop this event – is absolutely critical to the concept of consent. It is absolutely imperative that they understand exactly which of us will be making that decision.
This is not a side issue. This is not a semantic concern. This is not a pick up line. This is not a linguistic slight of hand to role play a fantasy. This is an important hard line reality.
So when discussion of this issue – one I see as absolutely at the core of the nature of consent and the establishment thereof in my relationships – comes around I get a bit tired of seeing all my points, concerns and issues dismissed as some sort of gambit to seem dangerous and edgy.
Besides, it isn’t even a good gambit. When I want to be dangerous and edgy I can accomplish that much easier by discussing the sorts of things I consider amusing than by a discussion of consent strategies.” – me
The same author made a second comment that basically we are all the same. We are not kidnappers, and we all act consensually.
“The device of a “safeword” is essential to none of this and frankly the more it is used by our community as a quick and easy way to avoid a more significant discussion of consent within relationships the more it will marginalize the significant portions of our community that do not use them.
Every single time the idea of a safeword is used to “prove” consent the inverse message is also sent – that those within this community who use strategic rather than tactical consent in our relationships are abusive or non-consensual.
As soon as a cop learns to use “did you have a safeword” as if it is some valid test for determining whether this was consensual BDSM or assault then many of us within this community just got left out in the cold. That’s OK, I never really expected this community to offer much in the way or support or protection but I have no intention of pretending that the community and those advocacy organizations pushing this litmus test are on my side or deserve my loyalty.
As a analogy, when the NRA decided it was easier to use the argument that guns were essential for “hunting” as a way to sidestep the difficult real issue of gun ownership (that we, as citizens have the right to the means to kill those who threaten our lives) they lost my support and respect. More importantly, they lost the battle. It was this attempt to take the easy way and make the easy argument that led to the attacks on handgun carry rights and effective defensive weapons (“assault rifles”). It became trivial for folks to say “well, you don’t need this gun to shoot deer, and you said this was all about hunting…. so we’ll just take this one away”.
When someone teaches that many, but not all BDSM relationships use safewords as a means of communication but that other consensual relationships do not then they have my support. When they teach the idea that all valid and consensual BDSM relationships use safewords they mark themselves as lazy and certainly with little interest in representing the entirety of our “community”.” – me
Comments
5 responses to “Still more safeword stuff…”
It never ceases to amaze me how far apart you and I are in terms of politics but how dead-on in agreement we are in terms of interpersonal relationships. The whole idea of safewords in rope is a problem – aside from the bottom getting blissed out often, and far beyond words, there's also the fact that you can't just “stop” – things take time to remove, adjust, take down, etc.But that's not even the issue – I recognize that I have not used a safeword in a scene, whether with a new partner or in a pick up scene, in years. This isn't trying to be edgy – rather, it's a measure of my confidence in my ability to A) gauge the way a scene is going and avoid having things crash and burn or B) Deal with things quickly and efficiently if they DO crash and burn.
I think an early exposure to your way of viewing things really impacted my entire view of power dynamics. One result has been many interesting discussions regarding safewords – much like your discussion here. I personally have no wish to bottom to someone who insists on 'safewords'. IMO, if we cannot communicate like adults, we certainly should not be playing. If they are unsure enough of their skills that they wish to hand over the power/responsibility to me -that makes me leery. I understand the concept and can grok that for some it works quite well – but my world seems to be different. Thank you again – your writing always makes me think – and usually makes me happy. : )
I think thats awesome. It is clear that intelligent folks can disagreewildly on lots of things but still agree on some stuff.Ken
Thanks for your comments and for your attention all this time 🙂
Thanks for your comments and for your attention all this time 🙂