A recent Fetlife thread came up on the topic of when, and if, a collar should be removed. It was obviously bait, but the discussion went so wrong I had to put in my thoughts.
I started responding to this thread in my usually way – grabbing quotes from folks and replying to them individually. However so much of the discussion shows the same worldview or confusion that it became clear there was no need (or point) to address them individually.
I will have a special word to say about that poem, but let’s leave that aside for now.
The core question is simple – when someone is unable to perform as their position demands, what is to be done with them. The answer, to me, is clear – remove them from that position. Potentially, remove them from the collar.
I think the reason why myself and my peers consider this a straightforward question is that we do not consider service to be something tacked onto a relationship or something that is a fun kink.
Service is at the core of why we grant the privilege of a collar.
There have been reactions to this thread that basically come down to the idea that if a dominant puts value on their own wants or needs that they are somehow bad and “unworthy” people. As if the demands of the dominant are of course to be dismissed or fall by the wayside when “reality” or real problems creep in.
Insanity.
Having someone in a collar, in service, is an act that carries with it real costs. Costs in time, energy and more including often money. That price is worth paying because that servant provides you with some value in return. When their returned value no longer meets the cost, then you remove them from service or you become their sacrificial animal.
To those dominants reading this, if you take nothing else away take this. Your demands, desires and requirements are not kinky, petty trivia that you should feel ashamed of or assign less importance to than the issues of others. They are not to be subordinated to so called “real life” – THEY ARE REAL LIFE.
Obviously if a servant becomes incapacitated you may well be able to find another profitable use for them that allows the collar to remain in place. Good for you both and enjoy your life. However in the end, if the costs do not outweigh the benefits, then the collar has to go… your own self respect demands it.
A collar left in place for the sake of sentiment is nothing more than a empty symbol of what once was true. I for one would burn the world down before I allowed that to happen.
Flagg said “Dismiss them. Or, if you are in love, remove the collar and expectations, and just let them remain in your life as a loved one.” and he could not be more correct. I have done this twice in recent memory, with two girls whom I love dearly. Mayhap one or both of them will find a place in my service again, maybe not but in the end they respect themselves (and me) much more for it.”
As for this poem, the one by TotallyRealPersonIWon’tName as posted by TotallyRealOtherPersonIWon’tName I will echo the sentiments of someone else with whom this thread was discussed – if I thought it was a deliberate manipulation of the discussion I would salute you… but I don’t think it was.
In this culture at this time discussing weight is the nuclear option to end rational discourse. Being overweight has become enshrined in many minds the way broken airplanes are enshrined by some native tribes – as something that just happens and must not be questioned.
By using it as the central theme of a “poem” you get a double bonus in internet thread bingo. For some reason folks won’t take serious challenge with anything that is written as a “poem” so as to not risk hurting the feelings of the sensitive artist who penned it.
I will 🙂
Let’s take this head on. That poem implies a few things that I find amusing ion their face…
- That somehow sexual service is a second rate priority… that you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking about dismissing someone because you don’t want to fuck them anymore
- That somehow a big gal is more full of this “slave heart” stuff and that one more to your preferences is obviously going to be some sort of bitch. “To seek out one who I predict you will one day come to hate”. Because we all know that you couldn’t possibly find a submissive woman you could love and respect who you also found attractive.
- That somehow using ones property as bait is a bad thing 🙂
To all of it, I say bullocks. Have your standards and hold to them… whatever they are. If you do not feel someone is worthy in your collar then remove it. Never apologize for this, never feel guilty about it. The decision can be a painful one, and the realization may come late… but once it comes to compromise in this is to declare yourself worthless.
update: this post was edited on 08/17/2012 as a favor to remove the usernames of two Fetlife users.