Since I posted this to Fetlife thread, it’s worth keeping a copy here. Someone asked how they would know if the submissive partner was being “abused”. The normal hand wringing and new age silliness ran rampant for a little while and I finally responded.
Part 1 is here…
I was going to do some point by point replies, but frankly its not really important to do so. I can summarize fairly simply.
“Abuse” is a term that has no specific and useful fixed meaning across the board. Of late it has become fashionable to lower the bar on what is “abuse” to ridiculous points. There is a reason behind this, mostly related the the political power that amasses to victims and victim representation groups – but that isn’t really important to this thread either.
What is important is this simple reality – there is a HUGE distance between “I don’t like this, this isn’t working for me” and “I am being abused”. I know, I know. It involves taking a lot of personal responsibility and that isn’t popular but honestly, the gap is there.
If you don’t like the relationship in question – leave it. It’s really, really simple. You don;t have to console yourself with defining it as abuse… just leave.
I will comment on this one thing specifically however…
[Paraphrased quoted response: If they feel like it’s abuse, then it clearly is.]
This is flat out dangerous to me. The concept of abuse has legal ramifications – and leaving the declaration of a crime solely to the discretion of the supposed victim is simply crazy. It would be like allowing me to decide unilaterally that the guy at the gas station robbed me because “if I see it as theft, then theft it is”.
The concept of being abused must be more than just “I feel bad” or the term is useless.
Part two…
[Paraphrased quoted response: Soulhuntre, your initial response tell su that you simply don;t care how your partner feels and this you are an evil meanie.]
If someone in a relationship with me feels they are being abused I will happily discuss this perception with them. I will also make sure they know they are free to end the relationship. I have absolutely zero interest in spending time on someone who feels my attention is anything less than a privilege to be sought, not a abuse to be endured.
I care – I simply don’t grant them the sole power to determine the reality. Many people believe they are abused – it doesn’t make it so. Many people also believe they were abducted by aliens or that the CIA is watching them from their bathroom mirrors – it doesn’t make it so.
Therapy couches world over are littered with people who have manufactured in their own minds a victim status. Telling them that their simply feeling it makes it an uncontestable reality is one of the reasons for this.
Go read the whole thing and enjoy!