In a separate thread, someone made a comment that basically those of us who don\u2019t use safewords are trying to be edgy and thus \u201chot\u201d but that essentially we are all the same and in agreement. I can\u2019t reproduce the quote exactly since the words of others in private forums are not for me to publish but here was my response.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cPersonally I find this comment insulting every time it is thrown out. I have heard it before from you and a number of other folks, on occasion while on panels discussing \/ debating these very topics with you. I like you, and I know you aren\u2019t trying to be dismissive so I usually tolerate it better from you than others\u2026 but it is dismissive and insulting.<\/p>\n
This has nothing to do (for at least myself and those dominants close to me) with \u201cI\u2019m hot, look how on the edge I am\u201d but more a clear and specific issue of clarity that has very clear real world implications.<\/p>\n
When a submissive comes to me and asks if the would have the use of a safeword I say \u201cno\u201d. That isn\u2019t so I will be \u201chot and edgy\u201d but rather because it is a critical bit of information for them to have. It would be stupid, dishonest and unfair for me to let them enter that situation under the illusion that if they say \u201cstop\u201d I in any way feel obligated to stop.<\/p>\n
This core issue \u2013 which one of us is the one with the power to stop this event \u2013 is absolutely critical to the concept of consent. It is absolutely imperative that they understand exactly which of us will be making that decision. <\/p>\n
This is not a side issue. This is not a semantic concern. This is not a pick up line. This is not a linguistic slight of hand to role play a fantasy. This is an important hard line reality.<\/p>\n
So when discussion of this issue \u2013 one I see as absolutely at the core of the nature of consent and the establishment thereof in my relationships \u2013 comes around I get a bit tired of seeing all my points, concerns and issues dismissed as some sort of gambit to seem dangerous and edgy.<\/p>\n
Besides, it isn\u2019t even a good gambit. When I want to be dangerous and edgy I can accomplish that much easier by discussing the sorts of things I consider amusing than by a discussion of consent strategies.\u201d – me<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
The same author made a second comment that basically we are all the same. We are not kidnappers, and we all act consensually. <\/p>\n
\n\u201cThe device of a \u201csafeword\u201d is essential to none of this and frankly the more it is used by our community as a quick and easy way to avoid a more significant discussion of consent within relationships the more it will marginalize the significant portions of our community that do not use them.<\/p>\n
Every single time the idea of a safeword is used to \u201cprove\u201d consent the inverse message is also sent \u2013 that those within this community who use strategic rather than tactical consent in our relationships are abusive or non-consensual.<\/p>\n
As soon as a cop learns to use \u201cdid you have a safeword\u201d as if it is some valid test for determining whether this was consensual BDSM or assault then many of us within this community just got left out in the cold. That’s OK, I never really expected this community to offer much in the way or support or protection but I have no intention of pretending that the community and those advocacy organizations pushing this litmus test are on my side or deserve my loyalty.<\/p>\n
As a analogy, when the NRA decided it was easier to use the argument that guns were essential for \u201chunting\u201d as a way to sidestep the difficult real issue of gun ownership (that we, as citizens have the right to the means to kill those who threaten our lives) they lost my support and respect. More importantly, they lost the battle. It was this attempt to take the easy way and make the easy argument that led to the attacks on handgun carry rights and effective defensive weapons (\u201cassault rifles\u201d). It became trivial for folks to say \u201cwell, you don\u2019t need this gun to shoot deer, and you said this was all about hunting\u2026. so we\u2019ll just take this one away\u201d.<\/p>\n
When someone teaches that many, but not all BDSM relationships use safewords as a means of communication but that other consensual relationships do not then they have my support. When they teach the idea that all valid and consensual BDSM relationships use safewords they mark themselves as lazy and certainly with little interest in representing the entirety of our \u201ccommunity\u201d.\u201d – me<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In a separate thread, someone made a comment that basically those of us who don\u2019t use safewords are trying to be edgy and thus \u201chot\u201d but that essentially we are all the same and in agreement. I can\u2019t reproduce the quote exactly since the words of others in private forums are not for me to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":53156,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[278],"tags":[286],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3301"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3301"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3301\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/53156"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3301"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3301"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3301"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}