Ed. Note: This is a long entry, please remember to follow the [more] link<\/p>\n
to read it all.<\/i><\/p>\n
*sigh* My brain won’t turn off. It’s killing me. <\/p>\n
I have a lot on my mind obviously, projects to deal with, so much I am trying<\/p>\n
to learn and I don’t mind mentioning that I am stressed a bit on top of it all.<\/p>\n
I sleep somewhere between 3 and 9 hours a day of late, 3-5 for a number of days<\/p>\n
in a row, then more when I can’t sustain it.<\/p>\n
At night, any time after about 23:00 hours there is this clock on my head, it<\/p>\n
is an estimate of how much sleep I’ll get – my obligations for the next day and<\/p>\n
when that means I have to wake up. Tonight, today it’s around 12:00 or 12:30pm.<\/p>\n
That’s when I need to be awake.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Right now, I have 5 and a half hours to sleep. It had been 6, then 7, then 8.<\/p>\n
At each ticking hour I would say to myself "this is good, I’ll finish up and get<\/p>\n
some sleep… get up early and get a start on the day". And each time something<\/p>\n
will come up, one of the thousands of things I have to do… server maintenance,<\/p>\n
script work, gathering news for [[Hyper-3D]] or keeping up with my personal<\/p>\n
stuff. It takes me about 2 hours a day to stay current in my field, learning new<\/p>\n
software and techniques as well as absorbing industry news.<\/p>\n
The [[gestalt]] in my head demands regular feedings.<\/p>\n
Anyway, here is the problem. On nights like tonight when I have to get up the<\/p>\n
next day because I can see someone I care about. Tomorrow is a chance for<\/p>\n
Kimiko and I to go see Tatsumi and spend some time with her. I really am<\/p>\n
looking forward to it, and I’ll be tired but it will be worth it. The thing is,<\/p>\n
there is a small chance my body will decide I won’t get up till 1:00… and I<\/p>\n
will have lost an hour with her. I know as well that the people who care for me<\/p>\n
don’t like it when I skip sleep, and they feel bad if I skip it to be with them.<\/p>\n
I guess my point and my message tonight is this:<\/p>\n
\nThere is no correlation between when I went to sleep and how much I love<\/p>\n
you or want to be with you.<\/b> <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
I know it might seem that way, but please don’t think it’s true. We all want<\/p>\n
me to succeed, to achieve and to get us out of this mess that I freely admit I<\/p>\n
got us into. The price I pay for being able to call upon my body to stay<\/p>\n
functional for long periods of time is that sometimes it will take over and <\/p>\n
not <\/i><\/b>sleep when I want it to or demand to sleep<\/i><\/b> when I<\/p>\n
want to be awake.<\/p>\n
I don’t want to have to feel bad about that… I am not choosing between you<\/p>\n
– any of you – and learning new software, [[\/.]] or whatever else. I just have<\/p>\n
to do some of these things while I am awake… because we all need me to do it,<\/p>\n
to move forward and to bring this beast of a life under control.<\/p>\n
Trust me, I hate the stolen hours and missed chances to be together… and I<\/p>\n
am trying to get us up where we need to be so that all this stress and worry can<\/p>\n
end.<\/p>\n
So don’t worry about me and sleep… and please don’t be mad.<\/p>\n
Thanks \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
p.s. 5 hours, 10 minutes to sleep.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ed. Note: This is a long entry, please remember to follow the [more] link to read it all. *sigh* My brain won’t turn off. It’s killing me. I have a lot on my mind obviously, projects to deal with, so much I am trying to learn and I don’t mind mentioning that I am stressed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":56261,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[278],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50907"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=50907"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50907\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/56261"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=50907"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=50907"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/legacyiamsenseiken.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=50907"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}