ed. note: Last post of the night before sleep – but I want to get this out of my head before I lose the thread. This is going to ramble a bit… but I want it here. It’s been in my head for a few weeks and it isn’t going to get any clearer for now. It’s also pretty personal, and a little bit mushy. If that is all more than you want to know about me or my life then skip this one… Lord knows it makes me nervous to have it here and I don’t have to read it \ud83d\ude42<\/i><\/p>\n
Oh yeah, I might be completely wrong on all this, it involves some concepts that feel like conceit on my part. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out it wasn’t like this at all… but I think it was.<\/i><\/p>\n
Obviously I have been doing a lot of thinking about my worldview of late, I do it often. It’s basically a full time parity check on my sanity to be honest with you and good things usually come out of it. Sometimes the things I get a handle on show me where I went right, sometimes where I went wrong and sometimes where I did the best I could but maybe didn’t actually realize what was happening at the time – and thus didn’t appreciate something.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I like it when people are with me. Especially people I love like Kimiko and Tatsumi. To be honest with you, I am always a little amazed that Tatsumi loves me back… it’s not that I don’t think I deserve it, I just know that I don’t fit her optimal profile for a lot of things – and obviously the fact that I had to chase her for a few years has made her affection something of a sought after commodity \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
Follow along now. During the time Tatsumi and I have been involved with each other there have been long stretches of time when we couldn’t live together for financial reasons. Basically, my dedication to my company and my dream meant that my financial situation was sufficiently shaky that Tatsumi couldn’t stay in my immediate environment. She needed to take a job because I couldn’t support her and those jobs were usually a ways away. She never complained to me about this really – she just packed up and headed off to do what she needed to do for herself… and here is the part that is really hitting home of late… for me<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Often, she did it in the face of resistance from my end. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t always understand why she had to go and I usually spent a fair amount of effort trying to find ways to avoid it. The thing is, I didn’t have any better ideas – but sometimes I made it hard for her to do anyway intentionally or not.<\/p>\n
Why? Because I really didn’t always think of it as something she did for me or with me, a lot of times the jealous child that lives in my head felt like it was something she did to<\/i> me. Oh, there are lots of contributing factors that fed into it. Our chronic (at the time) inability to communicate, a lot of serious struggles with our interpersonal power dynamic and a genuine feeling on her part that being on her own would be a good experience. All that coupled with my innate desire to stay close to her and to not lose her. It wasn’t all<\/u> for my benefit of course – but a whole lot of it was. She had to go do those things so that I could continue to do what I was focused on… she had to take care of herself because I was in no position to do so.<\/p>\n
What hit me recently though was just what it is she did<\/i> do for me. See, when we were apart I had people around me, I had my company to focus on and so on. I was in the process of pursuing my goals and all the pain I felt at not being with her (and believe me, it sucks) was at least tempered by the fact that I was completely sure I would succeed soon and everything would be all right. In other words, I was in the middle of my life, my stuff, and my future<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Tatsumi on the other hand was usually working a job she hated, far away from her home and spending most nights alone in a apartment with cats. She didn’t have much free time, free money or the like and it was an hour or more to see me… and seeing me brought problems of it’s own. Tatsumi was not in the middle of her life, she was to an extent out there alone so that I could go on with what I was doing<\/i>.<\/p>\n
That must have sucked.<\/b> You might think I am an idiot that it took me all this time to really get a handle on that, but it’s true. Why did it take so long? <\/p>\n Get the problem? In order for me to have really understood I would have had to form the mental sentence “Wow, it must be really hard for Tatsumi to be away from me!”<\/i>. Needless to say, this is not something that would have gone through my mind at the time.<\/p>\n To make matters worse for me getting a handle on that rather bizarre concept, this physical distance was usually coupled to an emotional or power distance. The reasons are fairly obvious once you get your head around the idea that someone might miss being around me and might actually want to be in my service (something I simply do not reflexively thing of). If you are forced to be apart from someone for financial and other reasons, it makes sense to decrease<\/i> the amount of emotional pain that causes. In other words, a time when you are forced to be apart is not the time you are going to pick to deliberately become more<\/i> dependant on their emotional support, to become more<\/i> dependant on them for your goals and direction. In short, that is not the time you will pick to become addicted<\/i> to and defined by<\/i> their control over you or your attachment to them. It’s all about context and environment<\/a>.<\/p>\n Because the universe is a funny place, I reacted to all this by trying to pull her closer to me by increasing the power I exerted in her direction… I’m brilliant that way. That meant not only was she out there alone in part for my benefit, but I was doing my damndest to make sure seeing me was as maximally confusing as I could manage because I was trying to make things simpler<\/i> for her. This way, I could make sure that the thing that gave her comfort – my visits – could be as disturbing as possible by dealing with my insecurity and power issues. I don’t think it helped much \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n What does this all mean? I don’t know… I am sure I didn’t say it all the best way, but I needed to get it out there. I’ll wrap it up.<\/p>\n I’m sorry I didn’t realize exactly how hard it was.<\/i><\/b> I was so focused on how alone it made me feel that I never really thought about the loneliness the situation was causing to her… to you, honey, if it’s you behind that monitor. I’m sorry I made it harder than it had to be. It’s really only now as I am in the process of reclaiming much of what I had put to sleep<\/a> for a long time that these things make some sense to me. Obviously it would have been difficult for me to think of myself as something that would diminish a day by not being present in it before \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n If I had really known? It wouldn’t have happened. I would move heaven and hell before I would make someone feel like I wasn’t there for them… especially someone who loved me and gave me as much as I get from her. I would never force someone out into the figurative cold if I thought they would feel it as loneliness. Not that she couldn’t handle it and even enjoy it to an extent… you know what I mean. I just mean if I had really known what the cost was, I wouldn’t have asked or allowed her to pay it.<\/i><\/p>\n What does this mean for the future? I don’t know – I do know that this line of thought is feeding on and feeding into the changes I am making as I become more and more aware of what I need to be to be proud of myself. Giving up the office was a first step and a necessarily one. It is time to start laying the foundations of stability here. I need to make gains, and keep them. it is nice to be able to say that I am<\/strong><\/em> doing something… not that I should be doing it.<\/p>\n I am not a stupid man, I made the best choices I could given my worldview – but I have a different one now. My company? Still there, still a priority and still my future – but I will be in [[wp:bootstrap]] mode now. Every step I make will be self sustaining and self sustainable… I will take risks, but I no longer have any intention of risking it all each time.<\/p>\n Why? There is much more at stake than just my<\/i> emotional comfort. I need to understand exactly how much what I do effects those around me (something I have been notoriously bad at)… especially those who I am asking to become so intimately tied to my life, my desires and my environment. It’s the right thing, it’s the ethical thing, and it’s the practical thing. Apparently, I have responsibilities if I want power \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n That means stable, sustainable and self reliant<\/i><\/b> growth is my number one priority. I must be in personal and complete control of every aspect from here on… the risks a bit less, the rewards a lot more. The time to be quite so reckless is past and it didn’t work out. That’s OK… I’ll do it this way and reap the benefits. I am a very talented person, and I can do whatever I set my mind to – I just have a better idea now of what I should be doing at this point.<\/p>\n There is no doubt that I am a Lord of this earth, none whatsoever in my mind. All I need to do is look inside and see Cat stalking the corners to know what I am capable of. As a Lord though it is time to stop marauding now and bend my knowledge, experience and hard won spoils to the creation of castle and keep<\/a>. Someplace where I can provide shelter and safety.<\/p>\n In other words; context.<\/p>\n Circumstances are such that I can’t really say “thank you” for that whatever loneliness that Tatsumi had to deal with to help me, and maybe that is one of the reasons I understand now… but it will always be one of my regrets that I wasn’t clear enough of mind to see it and make it better.<\/p>\n I’ll get my chance though \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ed. note: Last post of the night before sleep – but I want to get this out of my head before I lose the thread. This is going to ramble a bit… but I want it here. 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